You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
