I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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