I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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