Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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