I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
