so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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