I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
