i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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