i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
