There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize