and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
