i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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