i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
