Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It's blow job season.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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