I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
