By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
