how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
