I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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