so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
