I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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