when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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