so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
