your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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