Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
