the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
