Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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