i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Randomize
