nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize