I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
