I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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