I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Be still, my beating vagina.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
