I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
