There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
