I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
