i think my mom watched the whole time
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I need to align my fucking chakras
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize