??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
