i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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