it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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