Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
