I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
