There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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