Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
