So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
