I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
