I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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