3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Two words: blizzard sex
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
