It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
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