Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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