I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
