White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
