forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize