Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
