Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
