chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I am available for nakedness
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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