fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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