Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize