i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
