When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
