I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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